every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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