I wish you could order shots online.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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