genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
This baby is an asshole
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
