Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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