I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
