have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
