R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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