Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Congratulations! We have a period
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