you guys were way drunker than both of me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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