Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
