Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
