i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
