I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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