Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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