I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
