Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
