How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
