my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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