I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
