there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
high people should be assigned attendants
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
