I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
