So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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