idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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