My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
