standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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