I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
