Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
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Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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