I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
