is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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