at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
