Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
