does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
