No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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