It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
