I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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