once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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