I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
