real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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