the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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