Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
