Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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