First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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