Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
