my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The power of my boobs compel you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
