if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
