So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
