Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
