dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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