Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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