I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
