so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So much rum. So many feels.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
