A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
