im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
