i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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