I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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