I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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